


BMC Breakfast Club

by BooksRBetterThanPeople



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Ned Vizinni, The Breakfast Club (1985)
Genre: AU-Breakfast Club, Asexual Christine Canigula, Be More Chill - Freeform, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Bisexual Rich Goranski, Breakfast Club, Brooke Lohst & Michael Mell Friendship, Chloe Valentine being a princess, Chloe is Claire, Christine Canigula is smol, Detention, Eventual Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski, F/F, F/M, Gay Michael Mell, Jake is Andrew, Jeremy Heere & Brooke Lohst Friendship, Jeremy Heere is Taller than Michael Mell, Jeremy is Brian, M/M, Michael Mell/Jeremy Heere - Freeform, Michael is Addison, Minor Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine, Minor Christine Canigula/Jenna Rolan, Mr. Reyes is Mr. Vernon, Pansexual Brooke Lohst, Rich Goranski Being an Asshole, Rich is Bender, Trans Character, Trans Michael Mell, emo michael mell, squip squad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22021123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksRBetterThanPeople/pseuds/BooksRBetterThanPeople
Summary: Eight kids get sent to detention on a Saturday and are forced to get along with each other, but soon they see it wont be all bad
Relationships: Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine, Christine Canigula/Jenna Rolan, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, boyf riends
Comments: 10
Kudos: 92





	1. Introductions

...and these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through...David Bowie

MIDDLEBOROUGH HIGH SCHOOL

Jeremy: (voiceover) Saturday...March 4, 2015. Middleborough High, Middleborough, New Jersey.

Dear Mr. Reyes...we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care? You see us as you want to see us...in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a geek, an athlete, a gamer, a princess, a dick, an actress, a girl who likes FroYo, and a gossip girl. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock this morning. We were brainwashed...

CHLOE'S CAR

(Chloe and her dad are sitting in their car in the parking lot. Chloe is the prom queen and is clearly a snob)

Chloe: I can't believe you can't get me out of this...I mean it's so stupid I have to be here on a Saturday! It's not like I'm a defective or anything.

Mr. Valentine: I'll make it up to you...Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn't make you a defective. Have a good day.

(Chloe rolls her eyes, gets out of the car and walks up the school front steps)

JEREMY's CAR

(His mom is there. He is sort of a nerd)

Mrs. Heere: Is this the first time or the last time we do this?

Jeremy: Last...

Mrs. Heere: Well get in there and use the time to your advantage...

Jeremy: Mom, we're not supposed to study; we just have to sit there and do nothing.

Mrs. Heere: Well mister, you figure out a way to study… Well go!

(Jeremy gets out of the car and walks towards the school)

JAKE'S CAR

(Jake is clearly a jock; he's wearing a letterman's jacket with lots of patches on it)

Mr. Dillinger: Hey, I screwed around...guys screw around, there's nothing wrong with that. Except you got caught, Sport.

Jake: Yeah, mom already reminded me, alright?

Mr. Dillinger: You wanna miss a match? You wanna blow your ride? Now no school's gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case.

(Jake gets out of the car and walks into the school)

PARKING LOT

(Rich is walking towards the school, wearing sunglasses. A car is coming towards him but he doesn't stop walking. The car slams on its breaks directly in front of him. Rich gets out of the way. Out of the car steps Michael. He is dressed in a black hoodie with tons of patches, and his hair covers his face. He steps forward to look in the car's front window but the car drives away. Jenna rides up to the school on her bike, with Christine walking next to her, reading the script to a play. Brooke is the last to arrive. She obviously went to pinkberry because she's eating strawberry frozen yogurt right now)

LIBRARY

(There are six tables in two rows of three. Chloe is sitting at the front table. Jeremy comes in and sits at the table behind her. Jake comes in and points at the chair next to Chloe at the front table. She shrugs and he sits there. In walks Rich, he touches everything on the checkout desk and takes a few things in the process. He walks over to where Jeremy is sitting and points to the table on the opposite side of the Library. Jeremy reluctantly gets up and moves. Rich sits at the table where Jeremy was and puts his feet up. Michael walks in. He walks all the way around the library and sits in the back corner table, just behind Jeremy.

Jake and Chloe look at each other and snicker.

Jeremy looks at Michael in confusion and then turns away. Jenna and Christine walk in at the same time, and sit at the table next to Michael. Brooke walks in, tosses her empty frozen yogurt cup in the trash can, and sits at the table next to Chloe and Jake)


	2. Welcome to Detention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Detention has officially started

(Enter Mr. Reyes, a teacher. He holds a stack of papers in his hands. He addresses the group with such disrespect it makes you wonder how he ever got the job)

Reyes: Well...well. Here we are! I want to congratulate you for being on time...

(Chloe raises her hand)

Chloe: Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong here...

(Reyes doesn't care. He just continues to talk)

Reyes: It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways...

(Rich spits into the air and catches the spit in his mouth again. Chloe looks like she is going to gag)

Reyes: ...and you may not talk. You will not move from these seats. (He glances up at Rich and points at him) ... and you ...will not sleep. Alright people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay of no less than a thousand words describing to me who you think you are.

Rich: Is this a test?

(Reyes passes out paper and pencils and takes no notice of Rich)

Reyes: And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear, Mr. Goranski?

Rich: Crystal...

Reyes: Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.

(Jeremy raises his hand)

Jeremy: You know, I can answer that right now sir...That'd be "No", no for me. 'Cause...

Reyes: Sit down, Heere.

Jeremy: Thank you sir...

Reyes: My office is right across the hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised... Any questions?

Rich: Yeah...I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

Reyes: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Goranski, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. (Leaves)

Rich: That man...is a hound...

(Everyone tries to get comfortable, but they hear a loud snapping sound. Jeremy turns and his eyes widen when he sees Michael, biting his nails. Everyone is looking now. Michael notices them looking at him. Jenna takes a picture on her phone. Michael continues to bite his nails)

Rich: You keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch... (Michael spits part of his nail at Rich) I've seen you before, you know...

(Jeremy is playing with his pen)

Jeremy: (quietly to himself) Who do I think I am? Who are you? Who are you? I am a dolphin...

(Rich looks at him in utter confusion. Jeremy notices this, laughs and takes the pen out of his mouth embarrassed. Rich and Jeremy begin to take their jackets off at the same time. They both notice this. Jeremy stops removing his jacket. Rich takes his all the way off. Jeremy rubs his hands together and pretends to be cold. He pulls his jacket back on. He turns and looks at Rich who is still staring at him. Rich turns away and crumples up his essay paper and throws it at Brooke, but it misses and goes over her head. Jake and Chloe acknowledge it but continue to ignore it)

Rich: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...nah, nah, nah...

Chloe: I can't believe this is really happening to me...


	3. Tempers Flare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rich is a dick, so is Reyes, and Michael finally talks... Sort of

Rich: Oh, sheesh! What're we s'posed to do if we hafta take a wazz?

Christine: Please don't.

Rich: If you gotta go... (We hear him unzip his fly) You gotta go!

(Everyone is now looking at Rich)

Chloe: Oh my God!

Jake: Hey, yer not urinating in here man!

Rich: Don't talk! Don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.

Jake: You whip it out, and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor!

Rich: (Gasps mockingly) You're pretty cute when you get angry. (turns to Jeremy) Hey, homeboy...(Jeremy points at himself with his pen, questioned) ...why don't you go close that door. We'll get the prom queen impregnated!

Jeremy: Huh?

(Chloe turns and glares at him)

Jake: Hey! (Rich ignores him) Hey!

Rich: What?

Jake: If I lose my temper, you're totalled man!

Rich: Totally?

Jake: Totally!

Chloe: (to Rich) Why don't you just shut up! Nobody here is interested!

Jake: Really! (to Chloe about Rich) Asshole!

Rich: Well hey, Sporto! What'd you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock?

Jeremy: Uh, excuse me, fellas? I think we should just write our papers?

Jake: (to Rich) Look, just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass...so knock it off!

Rich: It's a free country...

Chloe: (to Jake) He's just doing it to get a rise out of you! Just ignore him...

Rich: (to Chloe) Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if you tried!... So...so! (to Jake and Chloe) Are you guys like boyfriend/girlfriend? Steady daters? Lovers? Come on Sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot...beef... injection?

(Chloe and Jake turn to face Rich, both furious)

Chloe: Go to hell!

Jake: Enough!

REYES'S OFFICE

Reyes: (Hears them) What's going on in there? Smug little-

(Back in the library they all look at each other. Jake turns away from Rich)

Jake: Dick!

(Rich stands up and walks over to the railing, then sits on it)

Rich: What do you say we close that door. We can't have any kind of party with Reyes checking us out every few seconds.

Jeremy: Well, you know the door's s'posed to stay open...

Rich: So what?

Jake: So why don't you just shut up! There's seven other people in here you know...

Rich: Gosh, you can count. See! I knew you had to be smart to be a...a wrestler.

Jake: Who the heck are you to judge anybody anyway?

Chloe: Really...

Jake: You know, Rich...you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.

Rich: Well...I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team.

(Jake and Chloe look at each other and laugh at Rich)

Rich: (to Christine) Maybe the thespian club too! Student council...

Jake: No, they wouldn't take you.

Rich: I'm hurt.

Chloe: You know why guys like you knock everything.

Rich: Oh, this should be stunning...

Chloe: It's 'cause you're afraid.

Rich: (mockingly) Oh, God! You ritchies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy inactivities!

Chloe: You're a coward!

Jeremy: (to nobody in particular) I'm in the gamers club...

Chloe: See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it...

Rich: Well...it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being a-holes...now would it?

Chloe: Well you wouldn't know...You don't even know any of us.

Rich: Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their stupid clubs.

Jake: Hey let's watch the mouth, huh?

(Jeremy again feels he needs to contribute)

Jeremy: I'm in the anime club too...

Rich: S'cuse me a sec princess... (To Jeremy) What are you babbling about?

Jeremy: Well, what I said was...I'm in the gamers club, the Latin club and the anime club...anime club.

(Rich nods and turns to Chloe)

Rich: Hey...Valentine...do you belong to the anime club?

Chloe: That's not my kind of club...

Rich: So?

Chloe: So...those clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.

Rich: Oh, but to dorks like him… (points at Jeremy) ...they do you guys do in your club?

Jeremy: In anime, um, we ah, we talk about anime shows. Do cosplay sometimes.

Rich: So it's sorta social...demented and sad, but social. Right?

Jeremy: Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation. I mean there are other people in my club and uh, at the end of the year we have, um, you know, a big banquet, at the, uh, at ComicCon.

Rich: You load up, you party...

Jeremy: Well, no, we get dressed up...I mean, but we don't...we don't get high.

Chloe: (to Rich) Only burners like you get high...

Rich: And, I didn't have any shoes. So I had to borrow my dad's. It was kinda weird 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes. And, uh, my cousin Kendall from, uh, Indiana... He got high once and you know, he started eating like really weird foods. And uh, and then he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere. You know, kinda like, you know "Twilight Zone" kinda.

Chloe: (laughs) Sounds like you...

Jake: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Reyes is gonna come right in here...I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you dumbasses...

Rich: (to Jake) Oh and wouldn't that be a bite... (fake agonizing moan) Missing a whole wrestling meet!

Jake: Well you wouldn't know anything about it! You never competed in your whole life!

Rich: (with mock hurt) Oh, I know...I feel so empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys!

Jake: Ahhh...you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals.

Rich: Oh, but I do!

Jake: Yeah?

Rich: I want to be just like you! I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights!

(Jeremy becomes interested)

Jeremy: You wear tights?

Jake: (to Jeremy) No, I don't wear tights, I wear the required uniform...

Jeremy: Tights...

Jake: (defensive) Shut up!

(They hear Reyes moving around out in the hall so Rich quickly sits in the chair between Chloe and Jake. He folds his hands on the table, trying to look innocent. Reyes goes back into his office. Rich laughs and gets up. He starts walking towards the double doors that separate the library from the hallway)

Jeremy: You know there's not s'posed to be any trouble in here.

(Rich turns and points at Jeremy)

Rich: (in a stern voice) Young man...have you finished your paper? (He turns back away and goes to the door. He looks around cautiously and removes a screw from the door)

Chloe: What are you gonna do

Jake: Drop dead, I hope!

HALLWAY

(Reyes is getting a drink at the fountain. He stands up and checks the way he looks in a mirror. He does a muscular pose, then slicks his hair back)

LIBRARY

(Rich is messing with the door to the library)

Jeremy: Rich, tha-that's school property there...you know, it doesn't belong to us. It's something not to be toyed with.

(The door slams shut. Rich runs back to his seat)

Jake: That's very funny, come on, fix it!

Jeremy: You should really fix that!

Rich: Am I a genius?

Jake: No, you're an asshole!

Rich: What a funny guy!

Jake: Fix the door Rich!

Rich: Everyone just shhh!

HALLWAY

(Reyes is walking back to his office. He stops and listens to them through the closed door)

Rich: (voice) I've been here before, I know what I'm doing!

Jake: (voice) No! Fix the door, get up there and fix it!

Rich: (voice) Shut up!

LIBRARY

Reyes: Damnit! (He opens the door and storms in) Why is that door closed?

(For a few seconds no one says anything, they just stare at him)

Reyes: Why is that door closed?

Rich: How're we s'posed to know? We're not s'posed to move, right?

(Reyes turns to Chloe)

Reyes: Why?

Chloe: We were just sitting here, like we were s'posed to...

(Reyes looks around to see the door closed)

Reyes: Who closed that door?

Rich: I think a screw fell out of it...

Jake: It just closed, sir...

(Reyes looks at Michael in the back)

Reyes: Who?!

(Michael lets out a squeak and slams his face onto the table, hiding in his jacket hood)

Jeremy: He doesn't talk, sir...

(He squeaks again (Aaw))

Reyes: (to Rich) Give me that screw...

Rich: I don't have it...

Reyes: You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?

Rich: I don't have it...screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place...

Reyes: Give it to me, Rich...

Chloe: Excuse me sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?

Reyes: (to Chloe) Watch it, young lady…

(He goes over to the door. He tries to hold it openby putting a folding chair in front of it)

Rich: The door's way too heavy, sir.

(The door slams shut despite the chair)

Reyes: Dammit!

(They laugh. Reyes opens the door again. He comes back in)

Reyes: (pointing) Jake...get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go.

(Jake gets up and walks over to Reyes)

Rich: Hey, how come Jake gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!

(Reyes and Jake are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door)

Reyes: Okay, now, watch the magazines!

Rich: It's out of my hands... (They get it into the doorway and it blocks the entire door) That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.

(Reyes thinks about it. He turns to Jake)

Reyes: Alright, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! Come on!

Christine: You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.

(Christine points at them and Rich glares at her, Jenna glares right back)

Rich: (to Christine) Show Dick some respect!

(Jake and Reyes come back into the main section of the library)

Reyes: (to Jake) Let's go...go! Get back into your seat. (Jake sits) I expected a little more from a varsity letterman! (to Rich) You're not fooling anybody, Goranski! The next screw that falls out is gonna be you!

(Reyes turns to leave)

Rich: (under his breath) Eat my shorts...

(Reyes spins in his tracks and faces Rich again)

Reyes: What was that?

Rich: (loudly) Eat my shorts!

Reyes: You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister!

Rich: Oh, Christ...

Reyes: You just bought one more right there!

Rich: Well, I'm free Saturday after that...beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar!

Reyes: Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled, we'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through?

Rich: No!Reyes: I'm doing society a favor!

Rich: So?

Reyes: That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?

Rich: Yes!

Reyes: You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal!

Jenna: Cut it out!

(Jenna mouths "Stop" to Rich)

Reyes: You through?

Rich: Not even close, bud!

Reyes: Good! You got one more, right there!

Rich: Do you really think I give a shit?

Reyes: Another...(Rich glares at him)

Reyes: You through?

Rich: How many is that?

Jeremy: That's seven including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Reyes here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.

Reyes: (to Rich) Now it's eight… (to Jeremy) You stay out of it!

Jeremy: Excuse me, sir, it's seven!

Reyes: Shut up, Heere! (to Rich) You're mine Rich...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha!

Rich: What can I say? I'm thrilled!

Reyes: Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Rich? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off.

(to everyone) Alright, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here...I'm cracking skulls!

(Rich mouths "I'm cracking skulls". Reyes leaves and closes the door. Rich screams)

Rich: Fuck you!


	4. Just Talking

(The clock reads a quarter to eight. Rich lights his shoe on fire, and lights a cigarette with his shoe. Chloe's just thinking, Jeremy is playing with his hair, Jenna is texting, Christine's reading the script to Heathers, Jake is playing with his sweatshirt by pulling the jaw strings, Brooke is playing with her sweater paws, and Michael's pulling a string around his finger and making it turn purple. Rich puts the flames on his shoe out by hitting it with his jacket. Michael is drawing the back of Jeremy's head, Jake is playing paper football. Pretty soon, everyone has fallen asleep)

(Later, Reyes is standing there, staring at the sleeping kids)

Reyes: Wake up! Who has to go to the lavatory?

(Everyone raises their hands)

(The clock now says 10:22)

(Jake is stretching and Rich is tearing pages out of a book and tossing them around)

Jeremy: That's real intelligent.

Christine: Some of those are by great writers.

Rich: You're right...it's wrong to destroy literature... (continues to tear pages out) It's such fun to read...and, Molet really pumps my blood!

Christine: (pronouncing it correctly) Mol-yare.

Jeremy: I love his work.

Christine: I know, it's amazing!

(Rich tosses the rest of the pages at Jeremy and Christine. He picks up the card catalogue drawer and begins to take cards out)

Rich: Big deal...nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy...

Jake: Speak for yourself...

Rich: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language!

(Jake turns to Chloe)

Jake: Hey, you grounded tonight?

Chloe: I don't know, my mom said I was but my dad told me to just blow her off.

Jake: Big party at Dustin's. His parents are in Europe. Should be pretty wild...

Chloe: Yeah?

Jake: Yeah, can you go?

Chloe: I doubt it...

Jake: How come?

Chloe: Well 'cause if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it's because my father says it's okay. There's like this whole big monster deal, it's endless and it's a total drag. It's like any minute...divorce...

Rich: Who do you like better?

Chloe: What?

Rich: You like your old man better than your mom?

Chloe: They're both strict.

Rich: No, I mean, if you had to choose between them.

Chloe: I dunno, I'd probably go live with my brother. I mean, I don't think either one of them gives a damn about me...it's like they use me just to get back at each other.

(Suddenly, from the back of the room, Michael finally speaks)

Michael: HA!

(Everyone looks at him shocked. Michael blows his hair out of his eyes and grins)

Chloe: Shut up!

Jake: You're just feeling sorry for yourself...

Chloe: Yeah, well if I didn't nobody else would.

Jake: Aw...you're breaking my heart...

Rich: Sporto...

Jake: What?

(Rich jumps down and goes next to Jake)

Rich: You get along with your parents?

Jake: Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right?

Rich: You're an idiot anyway...But if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too!

(Rich turns and walks away from him. Jake follows and pushes Rich)

Jake: You know something, man...If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you!

(Rich points his middle finger at the floor)

Rich: Can you hear this? Want me to turn it up?

(Rich flips his hand around so he is now giving Jake the bird. Jeremy comes over and puts a hand on each of the guy's shoulders)

Jeremy: Hey fellas, I mean...

(Jake pushes away from Jeremy)

Jeremy: ...I don't like my parents either, well, I don't...I don't get along with my mom...her idea of parental compassion is just, you know, every man for themselves!

(Rich turns to Jeremy)

Rich: Dork...

Jeremy: Yeah?

Rich: You are a parent's wet dream, okay?

(Rich starts to walk away)

Jeremy: Well that's a problem!

Rich: Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinds of clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?

Jake: Why do you have to insult everybody?

Rich: I'm just being honest with tall-ass! I would expect you...to know the difference!

Jake: Yeah well, he's got a name!

Rich: Yeah?

Jake: Yeah. (to Jeremy) What's your name?

Jeremy: ...Jeremy...

Chloe: See? Jerry.

Jeremy: (Correcting her) Jeremy.

Rich: (to Jeremy) My condolences… (walks away)

Brooke: (to Rich) What's your name, again?

Rich: What's yours?

Brooke: Brooke...

Rich: Brooke? (Laughs)

Brooke: ...It's a family name!

Rich: (Teasingly) Nooo...It's a motorcycle lesbian's name!

Brooke: Well, thank you...

Rich: You're welcome...

Brooke: I'm not a motorcycle lesbian! Or a lesbian.

Rich: Well not at present, but I could see you scorin' some chicks! You see, I'm not sure if you know this...but there are two kinds of lesbians. There's lesbians that were born to be lesbians, and then there's lesbians who thought they were straight, but then they had a sexual awakening, and they're lesbians...so when you look at them you can sorta see that they thought they were straight! You see, you're gonna get married to a nice feminine lesbian, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh… You gonna get a motorcycle.

(Chloe gives him the finger)

Rich: Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

Chloe: I'm not that pristine!

(Rich bends down closer to Chloe)

Rich: Are you a virgin?


	5. Are You a Virgin?

Rich: I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be ...a white wedding?

Chloe: Why don't you just shut up?

Rich: Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in?

Chloe: Do you want me to puke?

Rich: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?

Jake: Leave her alone! (Rich slowly stands and faces him) I said leave her alone!

Rich: You gonna make me?

Jake: Yeah...

Rich: You and how many of your friends?

Jake: Just me, just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal!

(Rich goes to hit him, but Jake gets Rich down on the ground with a wrestling move)

Rich: I don't wanna get into this with you man...

(Jake gets up)

Jake: Why not?

(Rich gets up)

Rich: 'Cause I'd kill you...It's real simple. I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother.

Jake: Shit...

(Jake turns and walks away. Rich takes out aswitchblade and opens it. He stabs the switchblade into a chair)

Jake: Let's end this right now. (Michael takes the switchblade while nobody is looking) You don't talk to her...you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! You understand me?

Rich: I'm trying to help her!

(The janitor, Eric come into the room)

Eric: Jeremy, how you doing?

Rich: Your dad works here?

(Jeremy is embarrassed)

Rich: Uh, Eric?

Eric: What?

Rich: Can I ask you a question?

Eric: Sure...

Rich: How does one become a janitor?

Eric: You wanna be a janitor?

Rich: No I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Jake here, is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts...

Eric: Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon? Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things...I look through your letters, I look through your lockers...I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do...I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast!

(Everyone groans. Rich smiles)

Jake: Shit!

REYES' OFFICE

(The clock says 11:30. Reyes gets up and leaves)

LIBRARY

(Rich starts to whistle a marching tune and everybody joins in. Reyes enters. Rich begins to whistle Beethoven's 5th)

Reyes: Allright girls, that's thirty minutes for lunch...

Jake: Here?

Reyes: Here...

Jake: Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir!

Reyes: Well, I don't care what you think, Jake!

Rich: Uh, Dick? Excuse me, will milk be made available to us?

Jake: We're extremely thirsty sir...

Brooke: I have a very low tolerance for dehydration.

Jake: I've seen her dehydrated sir, it's pretty gross.

(Rich stands)

Rich: Relax, I'll get it!

Reyes: Ah, ah, ah grab some wood there, bub! (Rich grins) What do you think I was born yesterday? You think I'm gonna have you roaming these halls? (He points at Jake) You! (Points at Michael) Hey! Mell! Wake him! Wake him up! (Michael gets up) Come on, on your feet mister! Let's go! This is no rest home!

(Michael gets up)

Reyes: There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Lets go!

(In the hallway, Jake and Michael are walking)

Jake: So, why are you here?

(Michael doesn't answer)

Jake: What did you do?

(Michael still doesn't answer)

Jake: Okay...forget I asked...

Michael: … I got caught getting stoned in the school basement...

Jake: That's why you're here today?

(Michael doesn't answer)

Jake: Why are you here?

Michael: Why are you here?

(They stop walking and Jake leans against the wall)

Jake: Um, I'm here today...because uh, because my coach and my dad don't want me to blow my ride. See I get treated differently because uh, Coach thinks I'm a winner. So does my old man. I'm not a winner because I wanna be one... I'm a winner because I got strength and speed. Kinda like a racehorse. That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me right now.

Michael: Yeah? That's very interesting. Now why don't you tell me why you're really here.

Jake: Forget it.

LIBRARY

(Chloe, Brooke, Rich, and Jeremy are all sitting around waiting for the Cokes)

Rich: Valentine, Lohst...you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts? It's pretty tasty...

Chloe: No thank you.

Brooke: Not really.

Rich: How do you think he rides a bike?

(Chloe rolls her eyes and turns away in disgust)

Rich: Oh, Chloe...would you ever consider dating a guy like this?

Chloe: Can't you just leave me alone?

Rich: I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car...Although you'd probably have to ride in the backseat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun.

Chloe: You know what I wish I was doing?

Rich: Oh, watch what you say, Jeremy here is a cherry.

Jeremy: A cherry?

Brooke: I wish I was on a plane to France.

Jeremy: I'm not a cherry.

Rich: (to Jeremy) When have you ever gotten laid?

Jeremy: I've laid, lotsa times!

Rich: Name one!

Jeremy: She lives in France, met her at the Lourve. You wouldn't know her.

Rich: Ever laid anyone around here?

(Jeremy shushes Rich and points at Chloe whose back is still turned)

Rich: Oh, you and Chloe, did it!

(Chloe spins around)

Chloe: What are you talking about?

Jeremy: (to Chloe) Nothin', nothin! (to Rich) Let's just drop it, we'll talk about it later!

Chloe: No! Drop what, what're you talking about?

Rich: Well, Jeremy's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Lourve, that presently you and he are, riding the hobby horse!

Chloe: (to Jeremy) Little pig!

Jeremy: No I'm not! I'm not! Rich said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't, that's it, that's all that was said!

Rich: Well then what were you motioning to Chloe for?

Chloe: You know I don't appreciate this very much, Jeremy.

Jeremy: He is lying!

Rich: Oh you weren't motioning to Chloe?

Jeremy: You know he's lying, right?

Rich: Were you or were you not motioning to Chloe?

Jeremy: Yeah, but it was only...was only because I didn't want her to know that I was a virgin, okay?

(Rich just stares at him)

Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry...

(Chloe laughs)

Chloe: Why didn't you want me to know you were a virgin?

Jeremy: Because it's personal business, it's my personal, private business.

Rich: Well Jeremy, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business...

Brooke: I think it's okay for a guy to be a virgin...

(Rich looks surprised)

Jeremy: You do? (Brooke smiles and nods)


	6. Lunch

(Later. Everybody has lunches now. Chloe begins to take hers out of a small shopping bag)

Rich: What's in there?

Chloe: Where's your lunch?

Rich: You're wearing it...

Chloe: You're nauseating...

(Rich grabs a bottle of Mtn Dew Red and tosses it over to Michael who catches it without even looking up, while he sets up a sushi platter)

Rich: (He looks over to Michael) What is that?

Chloe: It's sushi...

Rich: Sushi?

Chloe: Yeah. Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed. It's pretty good.

Rich: You won't accept a guys tongue in your mouth, but you'll eat that?

Chloe: Can I eat?

Rich: I don't know...give it a try…

(Jake takes a couple sandwiches out of his bag, a bag of potato chips, an apple, a banana, a bagof cookies and a carton of milk. Michael opens his Mtn Dew Red and it fizzes over. He loudly slurps it up off the table and his fingers. Jake sees Rich looking at him)

Jake: What's your problem?

(Jenna pulls a few wrapped sandwiches and some bottles of water out of her backpack and hands some to Christine, who smiles)

(Brooke opens her sandwich and tosses the turkey up. It lands on the sculpture above. She opens some pixie stix and pours the sugar on the sandwich and then puts Lucky Charms marshmallows on top of that. She crushes it all together and loudly eats it. Rich goes over and sits by Jeremy, and takes his bag lunch)

Rich: What are we having?

Jeremy: Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess... (Rich reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it)

Rich: Milk?

Jeremy: Soup. (Rich goes in again and pulls out a juice box. Jeremy reaches toward the bag and Rich slaps his hand)

That's apple juice...

Rich: I can read! PB J with the crusts cut off...Well Jeremy, this is a very nutritious lunch, all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?

Jeremy: Uh, no, Mr. Heere...

Rich: Ahhh... (Jake and Chloe smile at each other. Rich stands)

Here's my impression of life at the Heere house… (in a loud and friendly voice) Son!

(in a kiddie voice) Yeah Dad?

(loud) How's your day, pal?

(kiddie) Great Dad, how's yours?

(loud) Super! Say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend?

(kiddie) Great Dad, but I've got homework to do!(loud) That's alright son, you can do it, on the boat!(kiddie) Gee wiz!

(loud) Dear, isn't our son swell?

(quiet and motherly) Yes Dear, isn't life swell?

(Rich wraps his hands around himself while making kissing sounds. One of his hands trails to his butt, but the other grabs it and places it on his hip)

Rich: (quiet and motherly) No. Not while our son is in the room. (Loudly moans)

Jake: Alright, what about your family?

Rich: Oh, mine? That's real easy!

(He stands again and points forward)

(as his father) Stupid, worthless, no good, Goddamned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, bigmouth, know it all, asshole, jerk!

(as his mother) You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.

(Rich slams his hand back to slap his invisible mother)

(as his father) Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a turkeypot pie!

(as himself) What about you Dad?

(as his father) Fuck you!

(as himself) No, Dad, what about you?

(as his father) Fuck you!

(as himself-yelling) No, Dad, what about you?

(as his father-yelling) Fuck you!

(He reaches out and pretend he's his father hitting him)

Jeremy: Is that for real?

Rich: (to Jeremy) You wanna come over sometime?

Jake: That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it. (Rich actually looks hurt)

Rich: You don't believe me?

Jake: No...

Rich: No?

Jake: Did I stutter?

(Rich comes over to Jake and rolls up his rightsleeve to reveal a circular shaped burn)

Rich: Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. (He begins to walk away) See I don't think that I need tosit here with you fuckin' dildos anymore!

(Rich walks over to a map table and throws all the maps on the floor. He climbs up on top of the table and then up to the second floor balcony)

Christine: (to Jake) You shouldn't have said that!

Jake: How would I know, I mean he lies about everything anyway!

REYES' OFFICE

(Reyes puts an orange in his mouth and then attempts to pour coffee out of his thermos. The top comes off and the coffee goes all over his desk)

Reyes: Oh, shit!

HALLWAY

(Reyes walks into the hallway, talking to himself)

Reyes: Coffee...looks like they scrape it off the bottom of the Mississippi river. Everything's polluted, everything's polluted...the coffee.


	7. Chase Scene

(Rich comes out of the library doors followed by everyone else. Rich and Chloe are walking next to each other. Jenna and Christine follow them.

Jeremy and Michael are walking next to each other and at the end of the line, Brooke is following)

Chloe: (to Rich) How do you know where Reyes went?

Rich: I don't...

Chloe: Well then, how do you know when he'll be back?

Rich: I don't...being bad feels pretty good, huh?

Jeremy: (to Jake) What's the point in going to Rich's locker?

Jake: Beats me...

Jeremy: This is so stupid...Why do you think, why are we risking getting caught?

Jake: I dunno...

Jeremy: So then what are we doing?

Jake: You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you!

Jeremy: (Quickly) Sorry...

(Rich opens his locker)

Jake: Slob!

Rich: My maid's on vacation.

Jenna: Damn, this is gross.

(Rich pulls out a bag of marijuana)

Jeremy: Drugs...

Jake: Screw that, Rich...put it back!

(Rich walks away)

Jeremy: Drugs...the boy had marijuana.

(Chloe walks after Rich)

Jeremy: That was marijuana!

Jake: Shut up!

(Jake and Brooke follow the other two. Jeremy looks at Jenna, Christine, and Michael who is standing there with his mouth open)

Jeremy: Do you approve of this?

Christine: Well…

(Jeremy turns and leaves, followed by Christine and Jenna. Michael steals the lock off of Rich’s locker. The crowd is walking down the hall)

Rich: We'll cross through the lab, and then we'll double back.

Jake: You better be right, if Reyes cuts us off it's your fault!

Jeremy: (to Brooke) What'd he say? Where are we going?

(They see Reyes down one of the halls. We have various sequences of them running around and seeing Reyes until they stop)

Rich: Wait! Wait, hold it! Hold it! We have to go through the cafeteria!

Jake: No, the activities hall.

Rich: Hey man, you don't know what you're talking about!

Jake: No, you don't know what you're talking about!

(Michael squeaks)

Jake: Now we're through listening to you, we're going this way.

(They all go Jake's way and run into a hall closed by an iron gate)

Jake: Shit!

Rich: Great idea, idiot!

Chloe: (to Jake) Why didn't you listen to him?

Jeremy: We're dead!

Rich: No, just me!

Jeremy: What do you mean?

Rich: Get back to the library, keep your unit on this!  
(Rich puts his bag of marijuana into Jeremy's underwear. He runs away singing loudly) I wanna be an airborne ranger!

(Reyes hears Rich. The rest of them run)

Reyes: That son of a bitch!

(We see Reyes looking for Rich until he finds him in the gym. Rich is going up for a basket)

Rich: Three...two...one!

(He dunks the ball. Reyes enters)

Reyes: Rich! Rich! Rich! What is this? What are you doing here, what is this?

Rich: Oh, hi!

Reyes: Out! That's it Rich! Out, it's over!

Rich: Don't you wanna hear my excuse?

Reyes: Out!

Rich: I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship.

Reyes: Gimme the ball, Rich.

(Rich fakes the ball at Reyes. He then sets the ball down and rolls it at Reyes who kicks it back at him. They leave)

LIBRARY

(The rest of the kids are all sitting back in their seats when Rich and Reyes enter. Reyes pushes Rich)

Reyes: Get your stuff, let's go! (to everyone) Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day.

Rich: (to Reyes) BOO HOO!

Reyes: Everything's a big joke, huh Rich? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they...What if your home,  
what if your family… (a beat) ...what if your dope was on fire?

Rich: Impossible, sir...It's in Heere’s underwear...

(Jake laughs)

Reyes: (to Jake) You think he's funny? You think  
this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a  
bum. (to everybody) You wanna see something funny? You go visit Rich Goranski in five years! You'll see how God damned funny he is!  
(to Rich) What's the matter, Goranski? You gonna cry? Let's go...

(Reyes grabs Rich's shoulder)

Rich: Hey keep your fuckin' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick!

(Rich takes his sunglasses out of his pocket and lays them in front of Jake)

Rich: For better hallway vision.

(Rich leaves but not before pushing stuff over on the way)

CLOSET

(Reyes has put Rich in a closet and is in there  
talking to him)

Reyes: That's the last time, Rich. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make 31,000 dollars a  
year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you...But someday, man, someday. When you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place...  
And they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life...I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you, man, I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt!

Rich: Are you threatening me?

Reyes: What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me  
around here, I'm a swell guy...you're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy...come on, come on...get on your  
feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now, how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just  
take one shot, that's all I need, just one swing...

(Rich just sits there staring at Reyes. Reyes fakes a punch and Rich flinches)

Reyes: That's what I thought...you're a gutless prick!

(Reyes leaves and locks the closet door after him. Rich climbs into a hatch in the ceiling and disappears)

HEATING DUCT

(Rich is slowly crawling through a heating duct)

Rich: (to himself) A naked blonde walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two  
foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bar-tender says: "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says...

(The ceiling under Rich gives and he falls through)

Rich: (screaming) Oh shit!!!

FACILITY BATHROOM

(Reyes heard it while he was washing his hands)

Reyes: Jesus Christ, almighty!

LIBRARY

(Rich walks down the stairs)

Rich: ... I forgot my pencil...


	8. Let’s Get Stoned in the Library!

(Reyes can be heard in the hall)

  
Reyes: Damnit! What in God's name is going on here?

(Reyes enters the library, but Rich is gone)

Reyes: What was that ruckus?

Jake: Uh, what ruckus?

Reyes: I was just in the bathroom and I heard a ruckus!

Jeremy: Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

Reyes: Watch your tongue young man, watch  
it!

(Rich is under the table by Michael's legs. He sits up and bangs his head on the table. He groans. Jake and Chloe try to take credit for the noise by making more noise)

Reyes: What is that? What is that noise?

(Under the table, Rich looks between Michael's legs with confusion. He puts his head between his legs)

Jake: What noise?

Jenna: Really, sir, there wasn't any noise...

(Michael squeals. He frowns and squeezes Rich's head between his knees. Everyone starts faking a coughing fit)

Jeremy: That noise? Was that the noise you were talking about?

Reyes: No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will.

(Brooke laughs at Reyes)

Reyes: You make a book on that, missy! (to Jeremy) And you! I will not be made a fool of!

(He turns and walks away. They see that he still has the toilet seat cover stuck to his pants. Once he's gone, everyone laughs except Michael who lets Rich out to a barrage of slaps)

Rich: Where's your sack?

(Michael slams his head down on the table)

Jeremy: (laughs) You're an asshole!

Rich: So sue me… So, Ahab...Kybo Mein Doobage...  
(Jeremy turns around, pulls the bag out of his pants, then hands it to Rich. He walks away)

Jake: Yo wastoid...you're not gonna blaze up in here!

(Chloe gets up and goes after him. Then Jeremy)

Jake: Shit… (He follows them)

(Jeremy, Rich and Chloe are sitting in a circle and laughing hysterically. Rich lights Chloe up and she coughs the smoke out. Jeremy laughs at her. He exhales and tries to eat the smoke. He talks in a really weird voice)

Jeremy: Chicks, cannot hold der smoke! That's what it is!

Chloe: Do you know how popular I am? I'm so popular, everybody loves me so much, at this school...

Rich: Poor baby.

(Jake emerges from a really smokey room. He inhales another puff and then starts dancing to everybody's applause. He goes back to the room he was in. He screams and it shatters the glass in the door)

BASEMENT

(Reyes is glancing through the confidential files in the school basement)

Reyes: (to himself) Miss, oh miss Madeline...a history of slight mental illness? Wooh, no wonder she's so messed up!

(Eric enters)

Eric: Afternoon, Dick...

Reyes: Hey Eric, how you doin'?

Eric: Good...

Reyes: Good, what's up?

Eric: Not much, what's happening, what are you doing in the basement files?

Reyes: Oh, nothin' nothin' here. I'm just doin' a little homework here...

Eric: Homework, huh?

Reyes: Yeah...

(Eric, laughing, comes over and looks at the files that Reyes was looking at)

Eric: Confidential files...hmmm?

Reyes: Look, Eric...this is a highly sensitive area and I, I tell you something...certain people would be very very embarrassed. I would really appreciate it if this would be something that you and I could keep between us...

Eric: What're you gonna do for me, man?

Reyes: Well, well what would you like?

Eric: Got fifty bucks?

Reyes: What?

Eric: Fifty bucks...


	9. Girlfriends and Fake IDs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael talks, yay!

LIBRARY  
  
(Jake and Jeremy laughing. Michael is hanging out over by the statue in the back of the library, and Christine is resting her head on Jenna’s lap while she braids her hair)  
  
Jake: No no man, no; you got a middle name?  
  
Jeremy: Yeah, guess...  
  
(Michael suddenly takes an interest in the conversation and as he speaks, he moves over and sits next to the two)  
  
Michael: Your middle name is Will.  
  
(Jeremy, Jake, Jenna, And Christine look at him in confusion)  
  
Michael: ...your birthday is November 23rd, you're five’ten and a half, you weigh a hundred and two pounds, and your social security number is 0 4 9 3 8 0 9 1 3...  
  
Jenna: Wow! Are you psychic?  
  
Michael: No...  
  
Jeremy: Well would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?  
  
(Michael reaches in his bag)  
  
Michael: I stole your wallet… (He holds it in his hands and grins)  
  
Jeremy: Give it to me...  
  
Michael: No.  
  
Jeremy: Give it!  
  
(Michael reluctantly hands over the wallet and Jeremy glances through it to make sure nothing is missing)  
  
Jeremy: This is great...you're a thief too! Huh?  
  
Michael: I'm not a thief!  
  
Jeremy: Multi-talented, then?  
  
Michael: What's there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot!  
  
Christine: A what?  
  
Michael: He's got a nude pic in there! I saw it, it's perverted!  
  
Jake: Alright, let's see it!  
  
(Chloe and Brooke are looking through Rich's wallet pictures)  
  
Chloe: Are all these your girlfriends?  
  
Rich: Some of them...  
  
Chloe: What about the others?  
  
Rich: Well, some I consider my girlfriends and some...I just consider...  
  
Brooke: Consider what?  
  
Rich: Whether or not, I want to hang out with them...  
  
Brooke: You don't believe in just one guy, one girl?  
  
Rich: Do you?  
  
Brooke: Well…

Rich: Doesn’t apply to me. (Changing the subject) How come you got so much shit in your purse?  
  
Brooke: How come you got so many girlfriends?  
  
Rich: I asked your girl first...  
  
Chloe: (shrugs) I dunno...I guess I never throw  
anything away.  
  
Rich: Neither do I…

Chloe: Oh...  
  
(We cut back to where Jake, Jeremy, Michael, Jenna, and Christine are sitting, Jake is looking through Jeremy's wallet)  
  
Jake: This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen...Do you realize you made yourself sixty eight?  
  
Jeremy: Oh, I know...I know, I goofed it...  
  
Jake: What do you need a fake ID for?  
  
Jeremy: So I can vote!  
  
Michael: You wanna see what's in my bag?  
  
Jeremy/Jake: No!

Christine: Kind of.

Jenna: Yes!

(Michael dumps the contents of his backpack onto the couch. Lots of stuff comes out including a gameboy and spare patches)

Jake: Holy shit!

Jenna: What is all that stuff?  
  
Jeremy: Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?  
  
Michael: Yeah...I always carry this much shit in my bag...You never know when you may have to jam…

(Christine takes a look at his wallet, and looks confused)

Christine: You cut your hair?

Jeremy: What?

Christine: His ID. He had longer hair.

(Michael looks uncomfortable as Jake looks at his ID)

Jake: “Mikayla Mell”. You took your sister’s ID, or something?

Michael: Yeah, I must’ve grabbed her wallet by mistake. (He takes the wallet, then stuffs it back in his bag)  
  
Jake: So, are you gonna be like a shopping bag man? You know like, sit in alleyways and like talk to buildings and wear ladies shoes and that kinda thing?  
  
Michael: I'll do what I have to do...  
  
Jeremy: Why do you have to do anything?  
  
Michael: (With feeling) My life is unsatisfying.  
  
Jenna: So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of the streets because your life is unsatisfying?  
  
Michael: I don't have to run away and live in the street...I can run away and go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains, I can go to Australia, London, Afghanistan...  
  
(Jeremy looks at him and then moves over to Christine)  
  
Jeremy: Christine...you wanna get in on this? Michael here says, he wants to run away, because his life is unsatisfying...  
  
Christine: Well everyone's lives are unsatisfying...If it wasn't, people would live with their parents forever...  
  
Jeremy: Yeah, yeah I understand. But I think that his goes beyond, you know, what we all consider normal unsatisfying...  
  
Michael: Nevermind...forget it, everything's cool!  
  
(He starts putting everything back in his bag)  
  
Jake: What's the deal?  
  
Michael: No! There's no deal, Sporto. Forget it, leave me alone.  
  
Jeremy: Wait a minute, now you're carrying all that crap around in your bag. Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away.  
  
Michael: Eat shit and die! (He gets up and walks away)

Jenna: The boy is an island, with himself. Okay?  
  
(Jeremy gets up and goes after him)  
  
Jeremy: Hi, you wanna talk?  
  
Michael: No!  
  
Jeremy: Why not?  
  
Michael: Go away...  
  
Jeremy: Where do you want me to go?  
  
Michael: GO away! (Starts to cry) You have problems...  
  
Jeremy: Oh, I have problems?  
  
Michael: Yeah! I’ve seen you around! You try too hard!

Jeremy: Okay, fine...but I didn't dump my bag out on the couch and invite people into my problems...Did I? So what's wrong? What is it? Is is bad? Real bad? Parents? Friends?...

Michael: … Yeah...  
  
Jeremy: What do they do to you?  
  
Michael: ...I don’t have any...  
  
Jeremy: ...Yeah… Me neither.

(They both start crying)  
  
BASEMENT

(Reyes and Eric are sitting, talking)

Reyes: What did you want to be when you were young?

Eric: When I was a kid, I wanted to be Keanu Reeves…

Reyes: Eric don't be a goof! I'm trying!to make a serious point here...I've?been teaching for twenty two years, and each year...these kids get more  
and more arrogant.  
  
Eric: Aw bull shit, man. Come on Rey, the kids haven't changed, you have! You took a teaching position, 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right?  
Thought you could have summer vacations off...and then you found out it was actually work...and that really bummed you out.  
  
Reyes: These kids turned on me...they think I'm a big fuckin' joke...  
  
Eric: Come on...listen Reyes, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you, huh?  
  
Reyes: Hey...Eric, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me?  
  
Eric: Yes I do...  
  
Reyes: You think about this...when you get old, these kids; when I get old, they're gonna be runnin' the country.  
  
Eric: Yeah?  
  
Reyes: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night… That when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me...  
  
Eric: I wouldn't count on it!  
  
(Reyes ponders that statement for a moment)


	10. We’re all Bizarre

LIBRARY

(They are sitting on the floor in a circle)

Jake: What would I do for a million bucks? Well, I guess I'd do as little as I had to...

Chloe: That's boring...

Jake: Well, how am I s'posed to answer?

Chloe: The idea is to search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, uh, would you drive to school naked?

(Jake laughs)

Jake: Um, uh...would I have to get out of the car?

Chloe: Of course...

Jake: In the spring, or winter?

Chloe: It doesn't matter...spring...

Jake: In front of the school or in the back of the school?

Chloe: Either one...

Jake: Yes...

Michael: I'd do that! (They all look at him)  
I'll do anything sexual, I don't need a million dollars to do it either...

Chloe: You're lying...

Michael: … I already have...I've done just about everything there is, except a few things that are illegal...I'm a nymphomaniac!

(Chloe rolls her eyes)

Chloe: Lie...

Jeremy: Are your parents aware of this?

Michael: The only person I told was a boy at some conversion camp my dad sent me to when I was fifteen.

Jeremy: And what'd he do when you told him?

Michael: He nailed me.

Jake: Very nice.

Michael: I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as illegal since I asked him.

Brooke: Seriously?

Michael: Yeah… And he was dating someone at the camp too.

(Chloe notes her disgust)

Chloe: Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?

Michael: Well, the first few times...

Chloe: First few times? You mean he did it more than once?  
Michael: Sure...

Chloe: Are you crazy?

Jeremy: Obviously he's crazy if he's screwing his guy friend who’s already dating someone...

Michael: (to Brooke) Have you ever done it?

Brooke: I don't even have guy friends...

Michael: Have you ever done it with a normal person?

Brooke: Now, didn't we already cover this?

Rich: You never answered the question...

Brooke: Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.

Michael: It's kind of a double-edged sword… Isn't it?

Brooke: A what?

Michael: Well, if you say you haven't...you're a prude. If you say you have...you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?

Brooke: Wrong...

Michael: Or, are you a tease?

Jenna: She's a tease...

Brooke: Oh, why don't you just forget it...

Jake: You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases!

Jenna: (to Jake) She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot...

Brooke: I don't do anything!

Michael: That's why you're a tease… Isn’t that just twisted?

Brooke: Okay, Mell, lemme ask you a few questions.

(Michael is suddenly defensive)

Michael: I've already told you everything!

Brooke: No! Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean don't you want any respect?

Michael: I don't screw to get respect...That's the difference between you and me...  
Brooke: Not the only difference, I hope.

Rich: Face it, Brooke, you're a tease.

Brooke: I'm not a tease!

Rich: Sure you are! You said it yourself, sex is a weapon, you use it to get respect!

Brooke: No, I never said that, he twisted my words around.

Rich: Oh then what do you use it for?

Brooke: I don't use it period! (She is on the verge of tears)

Rich: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?

Brooke: I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!

Rich: Well if you'd just answer the question…

Jenna: Why don't you just answer the question?

Jake: Be honest...

Rich: No big deal...

Jeremy: Yeah, answer it!

Chloe: Just answer the question, Brooke.

Rich: Talk to us!

(Brooke silences all of them by screaming)

Brooke: (screaming) No! I never did it!...

Michael: I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar...

Brooke: You are such a bastard! You did that on purpose just to fuck me over!

Michael: I would do it though...If you love someone it's okay...

Brooke: I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your mouth...you unload all these tremendous lies all over me!

Jake: You're just pissed off because he got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to...

Brooke: Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre...

Jake: What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

Brooke: (to Jake) How are you bizarre?

(Michael decides to answer that question)

Michael: He can't think for himself...

Jake: He's right...do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here? I taped Dustin Kropp’s buns together.

(Chloe laughs)

Jeremy: (to Jake) That was you?

Jake: (to Jeremy) Yeah, you know him?

Jeremy: Yeah, I know him...

Jake: Well then you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, some skin too...

Chloe: Oh my God...

Jake: And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I  
wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Dustin’s undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda...  
he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started  
wailing on him...And my friends,  
they just laughed and cheered me on.  
And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Reyes's office, all I could think about was Dustin’s father. And Dustin having' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And all the humiliation... humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal...I mean,  
(He's crying)  
I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and  
my old man. Oh God, I hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Jake, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this  
family...Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give out...and I wouldn't be able to play any sports anymore. And he could forget all about me...

Rich: I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.

(Jake laughs briefly)

Jeremy: It's like me, you know, with my grades...like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I look at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.

Chloe: What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?

Jeremy: 'Because I'm stupid...'because I'm failing  
shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on...my light didn't go on, I got an F on it. Never got an F in my life...  
When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average...

Rich: Why'd you think it'd be easy?

Jeremy: Have you seen some of the dopes that  
take shop?

Rich: I take shop...you must be a fuckin' idiot!

Jeremy: I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp?

Rich: No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp...

Jeremy: What do you know about Trigonometry?

Rich: I could care less about Trigonometry...

Jeremy: Rich, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering?

Rich: Without lamps, there'd be no light!

Chloe: Okay so neither one of you is any better than the other one...

Michael: I can write with my toes! I can also eat, brush my teeth...

Chloe: With your feet?

Michael: ...play PacMan on a gameboy.

Jeremy: I can make spaghetti!

Christine: I know the plots to every Broadway Musical.

Jenna: I have a gossip blog called ‘Spill It’.

Brooke: I got to PinkBerry when I’m depressed. Now I go everyday.

Chloe: (to Jake) What can you do?

Jake: I can...uh...tape all your buns together...

Rich: I wanna see what Chloe can do!

Chloe: I can't do anything.

Rich: Now, everybody can do something...

Chloe: There's one thing I can do, no forget it, it's too embarrassing.

Rich: You ever seen Wild Kingdom? I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years.

Chloe: Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh...I can't believe I'm actually doing this… (She takes lipstick out and opens it, then places it between her breasts and applies it from her cleavage. When she lifts her head, her lipstick is perfect.  
(Everyone claps. Rich's clap is sarcastic and slow)

Jake: All right, great! Where'd you learn to do that?

Chloe: Camp, seventh grade...

Rich: That was great, Chloe...my image of you is totally blown...

Michael: You're a dick! Don't do that to her, you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!

Rich: Am I laughing?

Jake: You prick!

(Rich turns to Jake. As he speaks, we can see his words hitting home)

Rich: What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? (turns to Chloe) And you...don't like me anyway!

Chloe: You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them.

Rich: God, you're so pathetic! Don't you ever...ever! Compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got nothing Rapunzel, right? School would probably shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Chloe.

Chloe: Shut up...

Rich: Are those real diamonds, Chloe?

Chloe: Shut up!

Rich: I bet they are...did you work, for the money for those earrings?

Chloe: Shut... Your mouth!

Rich: Or did your daddy buy those?

Chloe: Shut up! (starts crying)

Rich: I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner year at the old Goranski family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Dick!" Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?

Jake: … My God. Are we gonna be like our parents?

Chloe: Not me...ever...

Christine: It's unavoidable, it just happens.

Chloe: What happens?

Christine: When you grow up, your heart dies.

Rich: Who cares?

(Christine is on the verge of tears herself)

Christine: I care… (Jenna holds her hand)

Jeremy: Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you my friends, I'm not wrong, am I?

Jake: No...

Jeremy: So, on Monday...what happens?

Brooke: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?

Jeremy: So what happens on Monday?

Chloe: Do you want the truth?

Jeremy: Yeah, I want the truth...

Chloe: I don't think so...

Michael: Well, do you mean all of us or just Rich?

Chloe: With all of you...

Jake: That's a real nice attitude Chloe!

Chloe: Oh, be honest, Jake...if Jeremy came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!

Jake: No way!

Michael: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?

Chloe: Same exact thing!

Rich: You are a bitch!

Chloe: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?

Rich: No! 'Cause you know how dumb that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!

Chloe: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Michael to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brooke or Jenna out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Jake for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.

Rich: (furious once again) Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor, rich, drunk mother in the Caribbean!

Chloe: (furious and sobbing) Shut up!

Rich: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom!

Chloe: I hate you!

Rich: Yeah? Good!

(There is silence until Jeremy speaks)

Jeremy: Then I assume Michael and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us geeks...  
(to Michael) Do you… Would you do that to me?

Michael: I don't have any friends...

Jeremy: Well if you did?

Michael: No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind...

Jeremy: I just wanna tell each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty...

Chloe: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us…

(Jeremy laughs at her)

Jeremy: You're so conceited, Chloe. You're so conceited. You're so full of yourself, why are you like that?

Chloe: (crying again) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!

Jenna: Well then why do you do it?

Chloe: I don't know, I don't...you don't understand..you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Jake, Brooke and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!

(Jeremy is shocked)

Jeremy: I don't understand what?! You think I don't understand pressure, Chloe? Well fuck you! Fuck you!  
(He hides his head in his hands because he is crying)  
Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Ms. Sawyer found a bunch of pills in my pocket...

Jake: Why'd you have pills in your pocket? What were the pills for?

Jeremy: Just forget it...

Jake: You brought it up, man!

Jeremy: I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my mom can't have it! Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me!

Christine: (with pity) Oh Jeremy...

(Jeremy flips a chair over)

Jeremy: So I considered my options, you know?

Christine: No! Overdosing is not an option!

Jeremy: Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!

Michael: How’d she find them?

Jeremy: … They fell out of my pocket.

Jake: Really?

Jeremy: Yeah…

Michael: … I tried to shoot myself about two weeks ago…

Christine: Why?

Michael: (Sighs) …Mikayla Mell isn’t my sister… She was me.

Jake: … So you’re-

Michael: A trans guy? Yeah. I cut my hair during freshman year, bought a binder.

Rich: Well that explains why I didn’t see your sack. But what about the gun? What reason would you have to wanna shoot yourself?

Michael: … I was having my period.

(Jenna starts to laugh)

Michael: It's not that funny...

(They all start to laugh, including Michael)

Michael: My bedsheets were so red!

Jenna: You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do, besides spill everyone’s secrets… Plus, Chrissy’s in here.

(Everyone laughs)

Jenna: You're laughing at me...

Jake: No!

(Jenna starts to laugh too)

Jenna: Yeah you are!

Brooke: I spilled FroYo on a teacher’s desk!

Christine: I told the drama teacher that there weren’t enough strong roles for women, he disagreed, I called him a misogynist, then kicked him in the nuts.

Rich: (Laughs) Tiny’s got guts!


	11. Sincerely Yours, the SQUIP Squad

LIBRARY  
  
(Later. Jeremy puts a record on and then the music starts. They all start dancing around the library. This goes on for the duration of the song)

HEATING DUCT  
  
(Rich is crawling back through the heating duct)   
  
LIBRARY   
  
(Jake, Brooke, Jenna, Christine, Michael, Chloe and Jeremy are sitting on the railing)

Chloe: Jeremy?  
  
Jeremy: Yeah?   
  
Chloe: Are you gonna write your paper?   
  
Jeremy: Yeah, why?   
  
Chloe: Well, it's kinda a waste for all of us to write our paper, don't you think?   
  
Jeremy: Oh, but that's what Reyes wants us to do...   
  
Christine: True, but I think we'd all kinda say the same thing.   
  
Jeremy: (Smirks) You guys just don't want to write your papers, huh?   
  
Jake: True, but, you're the smartest, right?   
  
Jeremy: (With pride) Oh, well...   
  
Jenna: We trust you...   
  
(Jeremy glances over at Michael who nods in approval)   
  
Michael: Yeah...   
  
Jeremy: All right, I'll do it.   
  
Brooke: Great! (She looks at Michael who looks back)   
  
Brooke: Come on. (She drags him along)   
  
Michael: Where're we going?   
  
Brooke: Come on!   
  
(In the back of the library, Brooke is cleaning the dark makeup from around Michael's eyes)   
  
Michael: Don't stick that in my eye.   
  
Brooke: I'm not sticking it, just close... just go like that...   
  
(Brooke closes her eyes. Michael mimics her)

Brooke: Okay...  
  
(Brooke puts the bronzer on him and he squeals)

Brooke: You know you really do look a lot better without all that black crap around your eyes...  
  
Michael: Hey! I like that black crap...   
  
Brooke: But this looks a lot better...look up.   
  
(Jeremy is still thinking about what he's going to write. Jake is just thinking, Chloe paints her nails, and Christine braids Jenna’s hair. Brooke is still fixing up Michael)   
  
Michael: Why're you being so nice to me?   
  
Brooke: (She smiles) 'Cause you're letting me.   
  
(Jeremy begins to write)   
  
(Rich in the closet, smoking. Jake opens the door and enters)   
  
Rich: (Smirks) … You lost?   
  
LIBRARY

(Jeremy is still busily preparing the essay. Chloe looks up from her nails and sees Michael with neater hair, a red hoodie, and is impressed. Michael walks towards Jeremy who is staring at him with his mouth hung open)  
  
Jeremy: Wow.

Michael: ... Thanks.  
  
CLOSET

(Jake kisses Rich, then he breaks the kiss)  
  
Rich: Why'd you do that?   
  
Jake: 'Cause I knew you wouldn't.   
  
Rich: You know how Michael said before, how you can’t think for yourself? (He nods) You, my friend, just thought for yourself.

Jake: (Chuckles) Shut up.

  
LIBRARY

  
Jeremy: So. What happened to you?   
  
Michael: Why? Brooke did it. What's wrong?   
  
Jeremy: Nothing's wrong, it's just so different. I can see your face.   
  
Michael: Is that good or bad?   
  
Jeremy: I-it's great!   
  
(Brooke laughs at their awkwardness. Chloe puts an arm around her)   
  
HALLWAY

(The eight are walking down the hall with their respective partners where they are met by Eric, sweeping up. Jeremy nods at him)  
  
Eric: See ya, Jeremy...  
  
Jeremy: Later Eric...  
  
Rich: (to Eric) See you next Saturday...  
  
Eric: You bet!  
  
PARKING LOT  
  
(Jake kisses Rich on the lips, gets into his dad’s car and leaves. Jeremy and Michael kiss. Jeremy rips a patch off of Michael’s hoodie and gets into the car. Michael’s mom arrives and looks at Jeremy, then at Michael, and smiles.  
Michael gets into the car and they drive off.  
Chloe takes out one of her diamond earrings and puts it into Brooke’s hand. They kiss and she gets into her car. Once she leaves, Brooke puts the earring in her ear. Jenna and Christine are kissing. Jenna smiles at her, gets on her bike, then rides off, and Christine walks in the opposite direction)

LIBRARY

(Mr. Reyes pick up Jeremy's essay and begins to read)  
  
Jeremy: (voiceover) Dear Mr. Reyes, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.   
  
FOOTBALL FIELD   
  
(Rich walks off the field as Jeremy's monologue continues)   
  
Jeremy: (voiceover) But what we found out is that each one of us is a geek...   
  
Jake: (voiceover)...and an athlete...   
  
Michael: (voiceover)...and a gamer...   
  
Chloe: (voiceover)...a princess...   
  
Rich: (voiceover)...and a dick... 

Christine: (voiceover)...an actress…

Brooke: (voiceover)...a girl who likes PinkBerry…

Jenna: (voiceover)...and a gossip girl.

Jeremy: (voiceover) Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the SQUIP Squad.  
  
(Rich walks across the football field as he thrusts his fist into the air and freezes there)


End file.
